NINE REASONS WHY CHAMORROS SHOULD BE HAPPY BUSH WON
(na'on fan iyo-mu sense of humor antes di un tutuhun tumaitai este, sa' gi minagahet mampos tinemba yan triniste yu' put i manggana-na Si Bush. Lao hinasso-ku na maolekna an hu hatme gui' ni' nina'chalek enlugat di fino' chatli'e. Gi este bai hu fa'nu'i i binaba yan i dimalas ni' mamaila ni' nina'chalek.)
1. Whenever Bush speaks about Chamorros or Guam, we'll have new lexical identifiers! Get ready! Liberation Day 2005, we'll be the Guamorro people! Liberation Day 2006, we'll be the Chaumerican people! And who knows what Bush's badly damaged brain has in store for us in 2007? Guaminese? Chamorrainian? MINAGOF SIEMPRE!
2. George Bush in 2000 said that he against status changes for any of the US colonies. Well that's good, because think of all the money we'll save by not having to change our stationary from "territory of Guam" to "something else of Guam" in the near future!
3. David Cohen, the sexy half Samaoan under-secretary at the Office of Insular Affairs will continue to grace us with his work on behalf of the colonies.
4. The diaspora or, migrational scattering of Chamorro people will shift drastically over the next few years! Everyone seems to be tinemba about the fact that there are more Chamorros in the states, than in the Marianas Islands. Well, thanks to Bush's re-election this won't be a problem anymore! That's right, in the next few years, we'll all be complaining that there's more Chamorros in Iraq than in the Marianas and the United States! Isn't that exciting? Camel Kelaguan anyone?
5. Front row seats for any nuclear war! We shouldn't forget that it is part of Bush's National Security Policy that if the United States perceives a threat to its sovereignty or authority, it will use nuclear weapons, preemptively! So when Iraq quiets down and no one is left standing or breathing to resist American oppression, who knows where America will hit next? If North Korea, then we've got great seats for all the nuclear weapon slinging action! Forget about legalizing casino gambling on Guam, with George Bush as president everyday is like gambling for our lives!
6. More media coverage of Guam in the states! That's right, in the coming years we can look forward to alot more coverage of Guam issues and Guam stories because so many Chamorros are probably gonna die in the Middle East! With the United States military currently building more than a dozen bases in Iraq alone, there are going to be alot of Chamorros there fighting people who don't want to be ruled by a foreign power, who will need to be killed or tortured. So, we can probably expect a few more sons of Guam to end up in the Washington Post's "Faces of the Fallen" page, which means more press for Guam! Do I smell the start of patriotic tourist propaganda!? I can see the ad now, "Come to Guam! Where we are so patriotic we don't care whether we have a vote in Congress or not, we're just proud to be something attached to the greatest country in the world!" Someone give the Guam Visitor's Bureau a call!
7. More military presence which we locally have no control over whatsoever, except what they let us believe we have! Cash infusions into our economy which we don't analyze or question, because we have been so colonized to accept whatever the military offers. Get ready to see alot more of the Thunderbirds! And predator drones, and bunker busters, daisy cutters, B-52s, Ospreys...Increase the military presence anymore and you won't have to go to Iraq to experience a sky full of machines of war and death soaring over you, which can obliterate you with the press of a button, you can get it right here on Guam!
8. For those of you who are haunted by the ghosts of Joe Ada's poor English capabilities, I'd like to remind everyone that since Bush was re-elected, our entire Legislature and Executive officials all speak better English than the President of the United States! For those of you with long memories, this sort of thing hasn't happened since the early 80's when Paul Calvo was governor and Ronald Reagan was asleep, mumbling policy directives for 2 years. We should be proud that once again we are more Americans than Americans!
9. Recently the scientific community has become more aggressive in trying to get the United States' government to start paying attention to the dangers of global warming. As we all know, George Bush pulled the US out of the Kyoto treaty, which was designed to slow the process of global warming, and despite the fact that Russia recently decided to sign on, Bush is still stubborn about not giving permission slips to non-George Bush's for running the United States. While some people might be scared to death, especially those living on islands, that the world's largest polluting country isn't doing anything to stop the rising of the ocean's water level, we should be excited that our leader is taking a bold stance against those people who would try to save the world! I mean, those people who would try to terrorize America's economy! With the water levels rising, guess what that means? New beachfront property!