Wednesday, April 26, 2006

In A Relationship

What an incredible day today is.

Gofha'an pa'go na diha.

For nearly two years the boxes on all my personal pages, whether they be myspace, friendster or PFG have been clicked to "hopelessly single." Today, however I switched them all over to "in a relationship."

For those of you who don't know, my last serious relationship ended two years ago, and since then there has been a wide array of strange encounters, blood drenched social faux pas, accidents, hookups that were a lock if I drank setbesa, and near fatal crushes, but nothing that ever made me consider logging onto to myspace and changing my estao inakkamo'.

For the past few weeks I've been going out with this girl, and its been incredible. For those who regularly read my blog, she is the one whom I couldn't get the nerve up to kiss after three hours of salsa dancing turned our friendly outing into an obvious "date." One of my friend's emailed me today, chiding me that it seemed like all my dating hysteria had paid off. Hehehe.

After working for more than a year in strict grad school mode, and only being able to "play" or "dabble" in this type of relationship, I'm really enjoying myself. It feels good to stress again about where to take someone out for a good time, what should I talk about now, will we run out of things to talk about? (that reminds me I need to find out about that bar in San Diego where they sometimes play Chamorro music)

The only downside to our relationship is that we are both so busy. Sometimes we don't see each other for days. And as a Chamorro co-dependent from Guam, a few days without seeing my girl is like getting a root canal with a fosinos. I remember being in a relationship on Guam, the co-dependency was so hard core, it was like we were filming Stuck on You. I'm talking pagers, constant meals together, errands together, movies together, good night phone calls, seeing each other everyday, everything. I loved it, because there was an understanding that I am not kaduku or horribly abnormal for wanting to waste lots and lots of time with you, because you feel the same! The beauty of co-dependency is that secret psychosis that you get to share, which leads to a beautiful interiority of love, affection, temporal dependency and emotional addiction.

Here though, that everyday easy co-dependency ("hey, hafa bidada-mu la'mona?" "taya'" "you wanna watch a video?" [for full effect, the preceding dialogue must be read with a strong Chamorro accent]) just can't happen, we both have too much going on with school, activism, volunteer stuff.

What have I been doing to keep my co-dependency from transforming into schizophrenic loneliness? Something I've dreamed of doing for years but was never with a girl who could actually appreciate it, and that's write Chamorro love songs para i palao'an ni' gaige gi korason-hu. Everytime we're away from each other for a few days, I find myself searching for another tune to use, lyrics to translate, a hook to use. I didn't see i nobia-hu for four days, and started writing a song based on the tune from "I'm Cool "by Reel Big Fish ("lao meggai guihan gi tasi/ puru ha' taiguini).

For the past few weeks I've been spending alot of time staring at my computer screen, trying to write my current master's thesis. Its been hard, because I've put off really working on my thesis until now, and I would like to defend in June, which gives me not alot of time to get a draft out and have my committee members go over it.

Too often, when I'm staring at the screen, doing the worst possible job of trying to nudge my brain into activity, my eyes will wander away for a moment, and I'll wonder what i nobia-hu is doing, and when I'll see her next. My mind then starts mentally anticipating moments, connecting us through time. The hollowness of these moments in-between, continually interceding and but slowly receding, will start to be filled kalang a movie, as in a soundtrack or score. Songs will fill these moments, usually love songs (since we meet every Friday "Friday I'm in Love" by the Cure is a regular choice), or songs from our relationship lore ("Obsession" by Aventura was the first song she ever sent me).

But as those once empty and disenchanting moments become filled with as Paul Mcartney calls them "silly little love songs" I tend to stop myself, and ask, "Wait, what does Paul Mcartney really know about my relationship?" Can I really trust him or James Taylor, the Backstreet Boys, Connie Francis, Nas, Bono or Beyonce, to capture it? Its usually at this point, that I start pouring through my CDs looking for a good tune to steal.

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